No one wants to give up who they are

The other day in a discussion on Sandra Dodd's Always Learning discussion list, Meredith wrote something that I wanted to share here:

There's a whole big set of parents who don't understand radical unschooling. Because they get along with their kids just fine - they have enough in common, there's enough natural sympathy in the relationship just from personalities, that things like chores or restricted tv or whatever don't hurt the relationship all that much. When kids and parents are natural sympathetic, the Continuum Concept works like a charm, Free Range kids are happy and secure, Waldorf kids look just like they do in the pictures. Any kind of parenting looks fantastic when kids and parents are naturally inclined to like the same things.

The trouble is when they aren't interested in the same things - when kids want and value things the parents don't. And that's when "free range" becomes "enforced autonomy" and other kinds of parenting become power struggles with parents asking "how do I get my kid to want what's good for him/her?" and "freedom" becomes "as much as you can bear" and not a jot more.

And that's the biggest challenge, in some ways, in terms of radical unschooling - because what we ask parents to do sounds a whole lot like "you must change who you are for the sake of your child." To an extent that Is what we're saying - stretch a little, soften a little, if you can't love what your child loves, you can still love your child and support him or her. That's all about change, and it's intimidating. No one wants to give up who they are.
There's a whole big set of parents who don't understand radical unschooling. Because they get along with their kids just fine - they have enough in common, there's enough natural sympathy in the relationship just from personalities, that things like chores or restricted tv or whatever don't hurt the relationship all that much. When kids and parents are natural sympathetic, the Continuum Concept works like a charm, Free Range kids are happy and secure, Waldorf kids look just like they do in the pictures. Any kind of parenting looks fantastic when kids and parents are naturally inclined to like the same things.

The trouble is when they aren't interested in the same things - when kids want and value things the parents don't. And that's when "free range" becomes "enforced autonomy" and other kinds of parenting become power struggles with parents asking "how do I get my kid to want what's good for him/her?" and "freedom" becomes "as much as you can bear" and not a jot more.

And that's the biggest challenge, in some ways, in terms of radical unschooling - because what we ask parents to do sounds a whole lot like "you must change who you are for the sake of your child." To an extent that Is what we're saying - stretch a little, soften a little, if you can't love what your child loves, you can still love your child and support him or her. That's all about change, and it's intimidating. No one wants to give up who they are.

When you look at my photos and read my stories, I am sure you must think this is such a perfect and happy life. And it is on many levels, but it requires a lot of compromising on our part and lots and lots of continual adjustment to stay sane some days. As much as we think (and most people think) that our girls are the luckiest girls in the world, they don't know any other lifestyle. They have no comparison point. They never went to school. They always had at least one of us with them full-time. So they find it quite frustrating when we have to both work at the same time for a couple of hours during the week if we have a rush (we mostly work at night or one at a time during the day)... I mean, my girls don't complain because they have homework to do, they do because they don't want to go to the beach... again. They complain not because they have to wash the dishes (no task required here, but they often join me, camping dish washing is fun!), but because they don't want to go biking... which is fine by me. Most days. But sometimes, I must say that I would love for them to be grateful for what they have... but I guess that might come much later... if it ever comes. For now, all I really want is for us to be happy together and enjoy this beautiful life of ours without too much bickering.

And of course, there are days where I'd love my girls to love what we love. It would make our life easier. But above all, I want them to discover what *they* truly love. What makes them sing. Not what I think is good for them (whatever that means). What feels good to them. And that, my friends, is really at the core of unschooling. Finding that place where no one has to give up who they are for the others, but can soften enough to support one another.