Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Light and darkness

My friend wrote to me the other day saying something that really touched me. She said: Et j'ai tellement peur. Peur de moi, peur de ma lumière, peur de mes ténèbres (And I am so afraid. Afraid of myself, afraid of my luminous side, afraid of my dark side).

I know I struggle right now with finding peace with my luminous side as well as with my darker side. My bubbly, impetuous, unsettled and adventurous side is partly what lights my fire... It is also draining to be me in the humdrum of everyday tasks, in the midst of real dailiness... Unsatisfied with routine and the usual flow of life, I feel like my fire is dying... Which easily brings me to the darker side of myself... My stubborness to create a life I feel is worth living for. Life easily lacks purpose for me; it quickly gets boring and tasteless...

Of course, wherever I look, I see purpose, love, meaning... It is joy that I struggle the most to find lately.

I know however that discomfort needs to be embraced. And this is where it gets tricky for me: discomfort prompts me to act. It is a driving force that motivates me to be better, to reach for what is calling me. But sometimes, I wonder if my discomfort-o-meter is not too sensitive... 


I want to be content with life, but not settle for what it is.

And as I try to embrace my dark side, I am reminded that it is inseparable from my luminous side. They are truly only one. The many complex facets that make me, me.

6 comments:

isabelle said...

Coucou Catherine, avec tout ce que tu sais de toi je sens que tu approches de la sérénité. N'aurais tu pas un grand projet (autre qu'un voyage ;;)) que tu peux mettre en place d'où tu es pour briser la routine et vivre une aventure ? écrire et autoéditer un livre par exemple...

Catherine said...

Je me pose cette question régulièrement, Isabelle, mais rien ne m'appelle particulièrement... et ma priorité reste d'être avec mes filles,donc je ne peux pas et ne veux pas m'engager dans rien d'autre qui me prendra beaucoup de temps et d'énergie...

Joanna said...

c est vrai ca que la lumière et l ombre sont "ensemble" souvent...
matteo a une "semaine de relache" cette semaine et c est tt un challenge pr moi d avoir à gérer à tps plein les 2 enfants qd mon chum travaille fort sur le chantier.
au départ je pognais les nerfs souvent et j ai même peté ma coche pas mal le mardi... ms mtn, tt va mieux, les deux derniers jours j étais ben fière de moi, c était le calme et l amour! mais tout ca pour dire que avec tes 3 filles à tps plein tt le tps, sans break jamais, je te trouve ben hot! je sais que c est un choix que tu assumes pleinement et avec joie, mais je souligne que c est un choix courageux et pas tjrs facile
becs
jo

Halina said...

Catherine, I've been reading your blog quietly for some time now (1 1/2 years I think) and I just wanted to leave a note of appreciation. :) I love your Blog, your family adventures and your honesty about your feelings while you are going through changes or trying to settle back in!!! I feel like I can understand your struggles so well trying to find joy and meaning in the every day life. Much love to you and thanks for sharing your life adventures!!! Halina

Catherine said...

Joanna, oui, c'est intense et un grand don de soi que d'être à la maison à temps plein avec les enfants! Surtout quand il fait gris et froid...

Halina, it really warms my heart when a reader steps out of "lurkdom" to say hello! Thank you very much for your kind words.

renee @ FIMBY said...

I know this tension. Appreciating what is, longing for something more - to grow and become more of myself. Love your honesty, as always.

Also, your photography is so beautiful. I come here and just feast my eyes. You have a unique style and color rending (?) that is just gorgeous.