I had selected my projects weeks in advance, had created a Pinterest board of ideas and well, I had great big plans and a vision. Yeah, you see where I am heading… It started going downhill as soon as I picked up the scissors… or maybe just a bit before, when I started layering the clothes on myself in front of the mirror and could not see anything anymore. Other participants were suggesting ideas but I could not see what they were seeing. I had no idea where I was heading or even where to start. This is when the teacher said that at some point, you just have to take the plunge and start cutting. And she suggested cutting open the front of my Myco Anna dress from top to bottom. I asked if she was sure. She nodded and said yes. And I proceeded. Now, she said, put the blue t-shirt underneath and play with the cut up dress in front of the mirror. But I still could not see what to do. And then, there were other participants that also needed help so she left me alone to figure out what to do. So I stood there and tears welled up in my eyes. I ran to the bathroom. As I sat there, sobbing like a heart-broken teenager, I tried to figure out what was going on. I realized that I felt inadequate.
I finally came out of the bathroom, all red-eyed and puffy-faced, feeling ackward among the participants. I asked for help (again) and started pulling apart the Myco Anna dress, the way my girls dismember their Polly Pockets.
As focused as I was on the project (I have lots of flaws, but I sure am persistent), the rest of the day was a daze of other people chatting, laughing (which made my misery even worse… we all know misery loves company), drinking tea, eating dark chocolate and holding back the tears of frustration.
When the day was finally over, I climbed back in the safe space of my frozen car. As night was falling and I was heading home on the highway, tears trickled down my face as I cried like a toddler after a hard day at daycare.I was hoping to leave the workshop empowered. I thought it would get my creative juices flowing once again. I had thought about all the great projects I could tackle by myself after the class, but I only felt dumb. I was no seamstress. And then, as I embraced all those ugly feelings, I felt something shift inside. A softening.
Then, as I took the highway exit, I felt a twinge in my lower abdomen and remembered that it was almost my moon time. And maybe I had drunk too much wine last night and that made me hypersensitive today. Maybe it was not just about the freaking dress that I could not make.
There is something stangely comforting about blaming your hormones for emotions that feel wildly out of proportion.
Because, hey, hormones got my back!!