Wednesday, June 26, 2013


I keep sitting in front of the computer to write, but the words do not flow. I feel empty of words. There is turmoil inside, tears running down while I prepare a lovely raw pear pie, when I water the plants. I just try to stay present and have compassion for myself and my family. Isn't that the best one can do? My friend Renee's post has really resonated with me and has helped me find compassion again. I love that she writes: "Perhaps I thought as a young woman that I could construct my world in such a way to eliminate the struggle." Yes. Perhaps, I thought so too. I sure wished that. Until, just like her, I realized that as long as I am human, I will struggle at times.
:: Making pretzels ::
:: We finally have room for watercolor painting ::
And yet there are so many moments of presence throughout my days, so much love. And in my practical mind, I cannot help but wonder why I still struggle so much, why my usual tools are not working, why the inner work isn't enough. Why all the muddy waters?

Probably because the river of life is not one long, clear stream... and that it is never the same water that passes through.


valeria said...

I remember you wrote a post about the fact that you wished for more time to adjust to the old/new life before having to deal with the flow of it (whining, screaming, bored girls, etc...). I think your girls need time to adjust as all do. Part of the adjusting is re-learning how to deal with boredom, with normality, and most of all with the lack of inputs. When you travel everything is new and shining, challenging and difficult as well but when you'r in deep water you just have to swim and that's what you and your girls did. Now you are home, somehow safe but because of it your practical mind can be turned down and thoughts came to your door, questions, doubts...your mind starts to wonder about the differences between your several lives. The truth is that there is no one life, there are many, we live them all at once and the difficulty is to merge them all armonously. We live in a time in which our feet can follow the wonders of our minds but this also means refining our perspective and routines over and over and it takes time and energy.
I also believe that living as nothing to do with creating a world without struggle, I think growing up means findin a way to deal with the struggles without let them beat your spirit. You'r doing great (it looks to me), is just that when you are so polyedric sometimes it takes time to feel unite again..
I don't know if it makes what I feel every time I flip my life 180 degrees, I unroot myself every time, I cry every time but I am unable to stop wander...

Catherine said...

Thanks so much for your words of wisdom, love. I know you know A LOT about unrooting yourself and trying to grow your root back, not feeling home at home, etc.
Yes, finding harmony is key. Thank you for taking the time to write such a beautiful comment. xxx

Marianne said...

Parfois les mots ne sont pas assez... J'ai hâte de te voir Catherine!

Max said...

Un câlin de loin mon amie!
Your sensors are still accustomed to a higher input rate, or so it seems. Bientôt tu retrouveras le flaire pour des plaisirs quotidiens plus subtiles.
I feel for you, but I'm not afraid. A change of focus is hard, but only takes a little bit of your time.
Or maybe it is more like changing a zoom for a wide angle lens? You know, when reality is a bit too close to embrace, marvels will be found in details...
Wish you find the gorgeous critters that swim in your murky waters.
Always with love

Catherine said...

Ohh Max! This is so beautiful! Quelle belle image! Merci, merci, merci! Je suis touchée...

I. said...

je t'embrasse Catherine!

Penny said...


Wishing you gentle moments everywhere...xo

Francesca said...

i have no doubt that you will find joy in your life again, as you have the courage to make tough choices: ditching the farm, traveling for one year, and so on.
sending warm thoughts and hugs.

Anonymous said...

Dear Catherine,
I once listened to an amazing australian lady who always wanted to open a library in Paris. At the tender age of 70, she packed up and did just that. The interview was fascinating but one of her answers will stay with me forever. She was asked what was for her the most important quality to go on and to enjoy life. She was silent for a few seconds and answered: "resilience". This word touched something in me and filled me with peace.
When my head fills with too many questions that I can't answer or my being feels unaligned, I go back there. And as I look around me, at my life, at other people's lives, the struggles of generations past, the struggles of less privileged people than me, I always come back to that incredible word "resilience". Because for me it encompasses both the drive and the acceptance necessary to really go on in life, the courage to achieve while letting go of what we can't resolve and have to accept.
After something so amazing as what you have just lived, you might just rest in the joy of what you have achieved or experienced and pause, letting the emptiness do its own work to prepare you for the next line, section or chapter of the book of your life.
You have it in you, so be at peace, stop your head do too much and let your heart guide you for the time being. And your path will become clearer again.

Much love to you,
back from Riyadh for now nearly a year and still pondering

Catherine said...

Thank you sweet friends!

Natalie, this is a great word and a great reminder. My biggest flaw is that I am someone who expects so much from life, I am so very demanding (from life, people and myself). I do not want to wait during those periods of hardships, I want to be proactive and make things better, fast. I know we can always do better, but this time, I need to tap into my resilience and be patient.

Thank you for this great story. It will stay with me.